Now we are three

In other words, we're having a baby!

You may be wondering why, at just a shade over 8.5 weeks, we decided to announce this happy news. Most people wait until that second trimester, right? Because by then, there's less chance of miscarriage or something going "wrong".

For those of you who don't know, we sadly had a miscarriage earlier this year at 6 weeks. We had decided to keep our little secret until closer to the ten-week mark (even from our families) and ended up having to tell people we *were* pregnant - but had lost our baby. It was hard, as losing a child you haven't yet met always will be.

But what made it worse was not being able to celebrate with those who cared for us.

We were so excited to have a baby - even though this was a lovely little surprise person! And because we waited, we didn't get to share our joy, surprise, and happiness that this new life had sparked deep within our hearts.

In some ways, to some people, this made our baby seem less real and thus less of a loss. This broke our hearts - for the misguided people who felt this, for our missing child, and for our unknown future. We spent a lot of time in prayer, asking God those hard questions that sear the throat on their way out.

Will we ever have a baby? Are we supposed to adopt instead?

Why?

Through our grief, we learned several things.

God is the Decider.

• We do not have control over our lives of the lives of our future children.

He makes all things work together for His glory.

• Even this grief would serve a purpose in His kingdom.

We are not to fear, but to live by faith.

• God will provide in order for His plan to reign.

So why tell you about this second pregnancy at 8.5 weeks?

It's not because of some scientific certainty that this baby will be a happy, healthy infant in our arms next year. It's not because we're foolish.

It's because this baby - this baby God is knitting inside me as you read this - is a gift. Even if we only have this gift for 9 weeks, 9 months, or 90 years - they are a creation of the Redeemer. And we ought to take joy in all His blessings!

We want our shameless elation to infect all of you - and to ignite in your hearts a deeper trust in the One who calls you by name.

You might be wondering what will happen if I miscarry again, and this baby also leaves us before we meet him or her. How will we deal with that, when we've already made our pregnancy public?

And to that, I say:

Do not fear. Do not worry. There is a greater purpose to this child's existence.

Our baby has already changed our lives. We hope that, no matter how long they are with us on this earth, they can help us create a safe space for anyone to heal, to help, and to take heart.

And of course, to spread joy.

All our love,

Stephen, Amanda, and Baby Colbert

Psalm 139:13 - For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

A Final Note: We fully respect each family’s wishes in announcing (or choosing not to announce) their pregnancy or struggles with pregnancy.  This heartfelt message is in no way intended to diminish or demean other choices.  Deciding to have a child, conceiving, bearing a child, and then raising that child is an incredible challenge.  It is incredibly personal and a very sensitive topic to many, and we respect and honor that.

This is What's Up

Hey friends and family - 

It's been too long since I've updated this sleepy blog.  Apologies - so much has happened in the real world that my online self can't keep up! 

Last time we chatted, I told you about my new job and the layoff that precipitated that huge change!  Well, I still *love* my job!  I'm getting more and more responsibility and freedom each day, and I am so blessed to have a chance to shine among people I truly respect and admire.  

My walk with God is a daily peace.  When I find myself feeling grumpy or short, I realize that I haven't been spending enough time with my Creator.  Recently, I took a bath while singing old songs from my youth choir (One Voice) days.  Honestly, I haven't had such a relaxing bath in a long, long time.  

So, where do I begin?  What's up in my life (and my last blog post) that you don't know yet?  

As it turns out - some pretty big things.  

I read back through my previous post, One Note Nancy, and I am in tears.  Oh, the heartache and uncertainty.  The fear I felt and now only feel from time to time.  God has done so much work on my heart to bring me closer to His will and further from my own (and yet, there is much work left to be done)! 

*BEFORE YOU READ ON - Go back and read ONE NOTE NANCY*

Seriously.  Do it.  Just....two minutes.  The pictures are hilarious. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the time I wrote that post, God had already performed so many miracles in my life.  I was begging for more, and yet He was more than generous with me.  

I found out about 3 weeks later that I was pregnant.  YES, pregnant.

How did that happen?!?!?

Well, I mean...we all know how it happened. ;)  But really - with PCOS, how did it happen?  I hadn't had a period for 6 months and then my first cycle - BAM - accidentally with child!  God sure has a sense of humor. :) 

This is how we found out:

April 10th is my brother-in-law, Mi*'s birthday.  We went home to visit family for the weekend, and Saturday night I was feeling quite antsy.  I asked Stephen if we could go for a drive, and we ended up driving and talking for at least two hours.  I talked about my fear of infertility, and how even though I *really* wanted a child, it might be more financially sound to wait for a few years.  

Our original plan was to start trying for a baby in September, but I was worried about finances - as I always am - and wanted more time to prepare.  Stephen, to his credit, knew I was just nervous and basically held me to my word.  September it was - or so we thought.  

On the drive, I kept complaining to Stephen that he was taking corners too quickly.  I was feeling really woozy every time he made a turn, and clearly it was because he had suddenly decided to take up NASCAR!  (Also, TMI: My boobs hurt.so.badly.  I was wincing every time I hugged someone.)  He kept reassuring me that it was all in my head.

I had no idea what a "normal" cycle length would be, as I hadn't been in any sort of regularity for the better part of a year.  I guessed I was just about ready to get a visit from Aunt Flo, but I wanted to be sure.  So, I asked Stephen to stop by 7-11 and grab a pregnancy test.  He questioned if it was really necessary, but I argued that it was more for my own sanity than it was for any sort of confirmation or suspicion.  I had just spent two hours talking about how we weren't ready for kids; I wasn't crossing my fingers for a plus sign.  I just wanted to reassure myself that my ovaries were functioning.  

We stopped, grabbed a pregnancy test from the nice man at the 7-11, and went home.  Stephen stayed downstairs to play cards with his brother and almost-sister-in-law J.  I went upstairs, took the test, and IMMEDIATELY saw that big blue plus sign.  WHOA.  

Cue cry/laughing and the strangest five minutes of happiness I have ever experienced to date.

I immediately praised God, loved this new baby, and was completely giddy with joy and surprise! 

But I played it cool - so cool, in fact, J now says she's convinced I'm a really good liar. ;)  I went downstairs, joined the conversation with Stephen, M, and J - and acted like nothing had happened.   

Forever later (it felt like forever), Stephen and I went to bed.  I had hid the positive test in his pillow - but of course, he didn't lay his head on it and didn't even notice.  He jokingly asked if I was pregnant, and I said..."Why do you ask?"  He froze a little and said, "Because...you took a test....wait, are you pregnant?"  

"Maybe. (giggle)"

"Seriously?  You're pregnant, aren't you?  I figured."

And then we spent the next two hours giggling and cuddling and kissing and being immediately happy about our new family of three.  So much for September!  God had other plans for us.  (Sorry, J - we kept you up!  Now you know why we were so excited!) 

At 2 am, I insisted we go to Walgreens.  Correction, go BACK to Walgreens - as we had just stopped there a few hours earlier to grab snacks.  The same lady checked us out at 2 am and I'm sure we were quite an interesting pair to her that evening.  :)  

We dropped about $50 in pregnancy test and I took all of them.  Yup, totally still pregnant.  We made plans to tell our families on Mother's Day - less than one month away! 

That was April 11th.

April 20th, I started bleeding.  I was 6 weeks along.  

Now, let's pause for a moment.  Miscarriage happens - especially for women with PCOS.  About 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, even more for women with reproductive issues.  I can expect that this likely won't be my last miscarriage, sadly.  

Every person's experience is different.  I respect that not every woman will feel the same about losing a baby.  This is what I learned - and it is not meant to demean or undermine any other person's experience of miscarriage, motherhood, or fertility.  

I learned that God's plan is better than my own.  I learned that God laughs at my plans ("Ha, September!") and gently teaches me what I can learn from every experience.  I learned that I deeply love children and am fiercely protective of unborn children.  I learned that you don't have to give birth to see yourself as a mother - and to grieve on Mother's Day.  I learned that losing an unborn child is devastating - no matter how little time you've had together.  Since our miscarriage, a family friend has had a very late-term stillbirth.  I cannot imagine that pain - but I do know that she and her husband and her family find solace in the Lord.  So do I - I've learned a new depth of peace in God.

I'll admit - I took an entire day off of work from my brand new job - I had been there less than one week!  I took that day and grieved for our child, for our family.  We hadn't told anyone yet, so I knew it would be hard to tell everyone bad news.  We missed that moment where you share the good news and everyone celebrates.  We didn't get to rejoice at the miracle of life, at the mercy of God together.  Instead, we grieved.  We were solemn and gentle with one another.

My husband is even more precious than he ever was before he was a father to my Peppercorn.  Creating life together - and then grieving that life together - has made us so much stronger as a couple.  We have both become closer to God through this pain, which ultimately brings us closer to one another.  

Now, we recognize that 6-week miscarriages are really common.  We aren't any more special than the next couple who conceives.  

God is the one who makes all the difference.

What could have turned into a spiral of depression and anxiety became a moment of joy and miraculous life.  What could have been a reason to give up became a call to pursue God's plan over our own.  We lost our baby but gained so much - peace, perspective, and clarity.  

The selfish heart in me would trade those any day for a swollen baby-bump.  

Sometimes, I succumb to bitterness and jealousy.  It was hard at first to see smiling babies, pregnant women, or even the announcement onesies I had already ordered.  

But knowing our little Peppercorn was with us gave me hope - and even if they are not going to make us three instead of two this winter...we are happy.  

And we hope you are too.  

We hope you can find rest in the love of God - which is wide and long and high and deep.  Deeper still than we could ever imagine.  

Numbers 6:24-26:

The Lord bless you, and keep you;

The Lord make His face shine on you,

and be gracious to you;

The Lord life up His countenance on you,

and give you peace. 

Amen.  

With Love,

The Colberts 

Playing Catsup

Hi all!

Sorry it's been so long since I updated!  I could give you all the many reasons why, but I'm really not at liberty to say quite yet!

I promise you'll know as soon as I think the time is right.

Mostly, I want to hug each and every one of you.  God has been good to us when the world has been very hard.  It has been harder than I anticipated, although I can't say I'm very surprised.  I've seen people far more lovely than I receive far harsher circumstances than my own.

I know, I know!  Why post anything if I'm going to be so darn VAGUE about it???  All in due time, friend.

I've been focusing on building a daily habit of prayer.  I've posted pictures in my cubicle of people I want to pray for - mostly the cute baby variety - and written myself messages on my bathroom mirror.  I'm still struggling with consistency - I anticipate this being a long battle, and one I definitely will not win without the Spirit.

A few updates I can give you:

I was laid off from my old job at the end of March.
I found a job posted the same day, and applied.
I had a phone interview the following day, and was invited for an in-person interview.
I received an offer April 8th and began work April 15th!

What a crazy ride!

I really enjoy my new job - it's adult work with real responsibility, and I am so much more than just a funnel with a phone.  Really, I just feel like I'm developing and no longer stagnating, and that this company sees my full potential and wants to utilize it.  Plus, my co-workers are fun and we have a few good laughs together.

Stephen and I are falling more in love every day.  UGH, gross!!! But really.  Marriage is not always easy, but there are moments when you can't even wrap your mind about how much you love this person and want the best for them.  We focus on planting good seeds and pulling the weeds in the garden of our love for one another.  Sacrifice for Stephen is a joy.

There's more to tell, my friend, but it will have to wait for another day.  I don't want to keep you from being awesome and tending to your own love garden. :)

One-Note Nancy

I'm afraid I might be becoming a bit of a one-note Nancy.  I'm not sure if that's even a real phrase.  It is now, folks.

Babies. Fertility. Ovaries. Conception. Labor. Doula. Cyst. LH levels. Ovulation. I sometimes search for baby clothes on Amazon and add them to my cart for later.  

That note.  No, we're not actively trying to have a baby.  But I find myself researching things like, "Is it safe to have natural birth with ovarian cysts?"  But really, though.  Is it?  Can you...pop a cyst when you have a contraction?  Will labor make me lose an ovary?  

Train rides leave me too much time to wallow in my anxiety.  Today, I sat next to a very smart 8-year-old boy who told his dad that the new Wilson stop, when completed, will allow transfers from the Red to the Purple.  A few stops later, a young dad brought his 3-year-old daughter on board.  He carried her on but she got her own seat, and I could see the multi-colored speckled soles of her tiny sneakers.  She smiled and babbled and made funny faces at her daddy, and he made them back.  

I wanted to cry.  Out of joy for the sheer innocence and wonder these kids have.  Out of pride for this little genius sitting next to me.  Out of fear that I may never know what it's like to carry my own three-year-old anywhere.  

Because that's productive.

There's some sort of timeline in order.  I daily ask hubby if we can move the start date to today.  I try to chart my cycle so I can learn about my fertile and infertile days, and catch myself dreaming about accidentally conceiving.  Am I ready to be a mother?  Is he ready to be a father?  Will we be able to give our hypothetical child the love and discipline and nurturing and education they deserve?  Much of my time not dreaming about a child is spent worrying that I will mess it up, and hurt them forever.

As I type this, my right ovary is throbbing.  It's been complaining all day, and I do my best to ignore it.  

But every time I feel the stabbing pain, or the throbbing ache, or the pulsating pain that radiates through my legs - I mourn.  I imagine it's another kamikaze egg that imploded inside me.  Another egg that couldn't bear to be my child and just quit while it was ahead.  More proof I'm not fit to be a mother in so many ways.

This is how I Imagine my Ovaries.

Ah.  This wasn't meant to be some self-pitying rant.  Forgive me.  It's just the evil self-doubt trying to wrestle away my peace. 

In all honesty, I find it more difficult to confide in a loved one than to write this "open-for-the-whole-wide-world" blog.  I can talk to my husband about anything - he is my partner, he is my safe space.  And yet, this desire is difficult to voice.  I imagine I am worried of pressuring him into parenthood when he isn't prepared.  Or afraid that he'll tell me yet again that we are on a timeline and, "there's no reason to move that up." 

Ouch.  He's right in so many ways, but ouch. It hurts to hear that no matter how my heart aches, or my throat squeezes - it doesn't justify a change of plans.  But why do we make plans anyway?  God is the only One with a plan that actually works, that actually happens as it is designed.  Am I ready to learn what that plan holds for us? 

For all my verbosity, I can't find the words to explain this hurt.  I can describe in detail the fear of infertility.  I can delineate the advisable treatments for PCOS, and the means by which one can become pregnant.  I can cite the cost of an average domestic or international adoption.  I can rattle off the medical terms used to explain the state of my womb.  I even know if our insurance covers a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  But I don't know the name of this pain. 

I do know the name of Mercy.  I breathe in the warmth of Light.  I cry out to the Shepherd that I am lost.  And He gives me the words:

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord;

I will wait for the God of my salvation.

My God will hear me. 

Do no rejoice over me, O my enemy. 

Thought I fall I will rise;

Thought I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me." 

Micah 7:7-8

Lord, I pray that no one who reads this ever has to feel the pain of their own body betraying their heart.  If they do, Lord, I hope they will turn to You to heal.  I beg of you to take this pain from me, if it is Your will.  I have faith in Your providence; in your ability to perform miracles; in your promises made to me.  You will never leave or forsake me.  When I feel forsaken, give me the strength to tell my enemy that I will rise in the Light.  Draw me nearer to you as you perfect me, no matter how painful it is to die to myself.  Help me to live my death daily, to put Your will over my own, to honor Your purpose above my wants, to trust Your plan before drawing mine.  Embolden me to live my life without fear, but with love and mercy and grace that is as wide and long and high and deep as the love of Christ.  

Amen. 

Frosting - for Breakfast!

Hi everyone!

Thanks for stopping by and catching up, friends!  I have been feeling super busy as of late, but the good kind - where you have a good rhythm going and your to-do list is in check.  That's rare-ish for me, so it's a marvelous feeling!  I'm basking in it - and this new 40+ weather we're having in Chicago!  Today, I walked outside WITHOUT A COAT - for the first time in months!  I didn't need to protest myself from...well, the air.  :)

But I digress.  I'm here to talk about frosting!  Yes, for BREAKFAST!  You read that right.  

I just started a new diet (but really, let's call it a lifestyle because I dislike the work "diet") called the Keto diet.  Some of you might be familiar with this - for those who aren't, it's similar to South Beach, Paleo, or Atkins in a few ways.  It's a low-carb, high-fat diet that focuses on kicking your body into ketosis in high gear!  Ketosis is a natural process that your body does normally - it's basically the method by which your body burns macronutrients for energy.

Macronutrients - or "macros" - consist of carbs, proteins, and fats.  Carbs are the easiest to break down and the most likely to cause spikes in your blood sugar because of the way they convert to glucose.  The body will burn glucose first before it burns protein or fat, because carbs are...well...kind of easy.  ;)  Proteins are less likely to give it up, and fats are definitely not giving it up if carbs are at the party.  The long and short of it is this: if you don't intake carbs, your body will look to protein and fat to burn and fuel your body.  Fat burn = good!  Your liver will turn fats into fatty acids and ketones.  Fatty acids feed your brain.  Ketones become waste.  Ps - if you check out that link I just posted, you'll see that the Keto diet is used to help patients with EPILEPSY avoid seizures - seriously good for the brain!!!

I need to find a way to get lots of MCT oils into my diet - a Keto diet is usually about 5% carbs, 20-25% protein, and 70-75% fat.  I *know*, right???  The great thing about this diet is that I don't really feel like I'm depriving myself, and I am certainly not hungry.  I can't even come close to hitting my 1600 calorie-mark daily because I am so FULL!  And, as you may know, coconut oil is a fantastic commonplace source of MCT oils.  (Oh, MCT = Medium Chain Triglycerides, for the curious.)

OK - So, new diet, you get the basics.

There's a super delicious and sweet/salty treat I've found works really well for me!  It's called Keto Frosting, and it's all I eat it for breakfast.  Jealous yet?  I also get to eat bacon, eggs, cheese, steak with real butter, cheeseburgers, and so many other delicious things that you would normally give up on a "diet".  Yeah.  Now you're jealous.

Don't be jealous!  Join me!!!

Keto Frosting

3 Tbsp Coconut Oil (cold-pressed organic is best)

1 heaping Tbsp natural peanut butter (no added sugar)

1/2 to 1 full packet Stevia in the Raw (I personally use 1/2 packet)

Pinch of sea salt 

Here's how I prepare it:

Measure out coconut oil into a small glass bowl.  Microwave 12-ish seconds until soft and beginning to melt. 

Add peanut butter, Stevia, and sea salt.  Mix well.  

Cover bowl and refrigerate.  

I make this the night before - it's quick and simple, and SO TASTY!!!

Calories: 485 (again, this is *all* I eat for breakfast!) 

Carbs: 3.8 g

Proteins: 4.4 g

Fats: 52 g

Possible variations include: adding cocoa powder, using a bit of cream cheese and vanilla extract instead of peanut butter, adding almond meal and sugar-free syrup flavors, or using different nut butters.  Mix it up to find what works for you!

*Note: I do *not* make a commission from the products sold at the links - I just think it's helpful for those  to see what I actually us in my own kitchen.  I use a lot of the same products I've researched and found work well for many other Keto-lovers, so they are Keto-approved if you'd like to try! 

I started Keto after doing tons of research on diets compatible with PCOS and Metformin - since that's what I've got and that's how I'm treating it!  (Ps - thank you for all your thoughts and prayers!) I've been on it less than a whole week and I have already lost TWO POUNDS!!!  I know, right?!?!?  Fat in = fat out, baby!  I'm so excited to see the changes that is is *already* making in my health overall (not just my weight)! 

Have you ever tried Keto?  If so, I'd love to connect and learn from your experience! 

Nom nom for now,

Amanda

Our Nifty Nest

Hi friends!

I type this from my super comfy new couch.  Honestly, pictures just won't do it justice - you really need to come try it out! :) 

Like I said in my last post, we've been really busy doing some updates to our cozy little home.  We've been lucky enough to have really generous family and some really fantastic discount finds.  

A while ago, I mentioned a DIY project to build a standing computer desk.  Well, we kind of...scrapped that plan.  Instead, Stephen's parents gave us a computer desk from Ikea they needed to clear out of the office.  Believe it or not, it was a *perfect* fit for the space we had to fill.  I always wonder if they really "needed" to, or if they found a way to do without.  They're those kind of people - always putting everybody else before themselves.  

Anyway, I wanted to change the finish of the metal frame to better fit our apartment.  Stephen found a *really* cool spray paint that automatically dries in a hammered-metal finish.  He got a gunmetal gray color, brought home the desk, painted it in our storage unit, and assembled it.  Now, he has a home for his computer!  And he is super happy about it. :) Game on, honey!

We pooled our gift cards from Christmas and bought a set of bar stools that we use at our kitchen countertop bar and as seating for the computer desk.  They're saddle seats in a really nice dark-brown solid wood.  The color is a good contrast to the honey-colored cabinetry and bring out the darker tones in the marble countertop.  Again, Stephen whipped out the handyman skills and assembled them in about an hour.  He deserves a cookie, don'cha think?

Our biggest change was the addition of our new leather futon couch.  The previous owner dropped it off at Goodwill and told the salespeople there that he originally paid $1200 for it.  I was expecting it to be torn, dirty, or otherwise damaged.  Au contraire, mon frere!  The leather is in great condition, with two matching suede/leather pillows.  The frame itself is solid wood.  "Futon" sounds so...cheap and breakable, from my experience.  This thing is definitely neither - super comfy, well-built, and I have yet to find a scratch on it!  I found it and showed Stephen - we both agreed we could drop $150 on it and no more.  I didn't find a price tag, so I found an associate, who tagged it at...$40!!!  We immediately said, "...We'll...uh...we'll take it."  I was worried they might change their mind or that it might sell before my very eyes.  The couch stayed in that Goodwill for about thirty minutes before they brought it on the floor, and I saw it about five minutes later.  Such a steal.

Don't worry - I'm still planning a few more projects around here.  Can't let it get boring, you know?

Next up:  turning our coffee table into an ottoman!  I think I've got the "how" figured out - just need to put the wheels in motion.  And then you'll *have* to come over - a comfy couch, a cozy ottoman, and a cup of tea, dear?

Until next time,
Amanda

Black Blueberry Breakfast

I've taken to making myself a smoothie in the morning so that I can eat breakfast on the train - and find a way to sneak more leafy greens into my diet!

And it looks something like this.

Forgive my chipped polish!

Yeah.  I get looks all the time.  I know, it looks totally gross and like you'd never willingly eat that.

But I swear to you it is SO SCRUMPTIOUS and yes, it keeps me full for the next two-and-a-half hours until I can snack on a cheese stick before lunch.

Here's what goes into my smoothie the night before and gets blended up first thing in the morning.

1 cup of purple kale
1.5 cups of curly leaf spinach
1.25 cups of almond milk, unsweetened vanilla flavor (for a whopping 38 calories - beat that dairy milk!)
1 cup of frozen unsweetened blueberries
1 medium banana (about 7-8 inches long)

That's it.  I blend it up in a blender kit we got for Christmas - it blends right in the container I drink out of, so it's super easy to clean.  Just run the blade attachment under the water before I run out the door, pop on the flip-top lid, and go!

Look, I wasn't initially keen on chugging my salad.  But I also recognize that leafy greens are super good for us and I try to incorporate them into two meals a day - at least!

My fitness and diet app tells me that my smoothie is about 252 calories - SCORE!

And I promise - it doesn't look like a typical yummy food - but try it once and you'll be sold!  No "spinachy" taste, no bits of leaf in your teeth.  Just sweet creamy blueberry-banana from start to finish!

Nom nom for now,
Amanda

Busy as a Bzzz-Bee Broth and my Local Grocery

Hi friends!

Sorry - I've been away too long!  There's really no excuse for leaving you hanging for so long; I won't try to make one.

In the weeks since I last posted, we've been *quite* busy at the Colbert Nest.  We started a few interior projects - like painting and assembling a new computer desk for the Mister, re-organizing our bathroom, and adding a new couch to our home!  Ps - I *love* the couch.  It really was a steal - $40 at Goodwill and the previous owner said it cost him $1200!  I believe it - the leather is really well-cared for, and it's a convertible futon on a solid wood frame.  Very classy for two young adults on a not-so-fancy budget.  :)

I will definitely update you on some of the design updates to our home in a post later this week - promise!

For now, I'd like to share what's cooking in my kitchen today!

I'm meal-prepping for the whole week - and let me tell you, it is *such* a time saver.  I've got a jam-packed schedule this week, and I really don't know how anyone gets by without making the whole week's lunches and dinners ahead of time.  Honestly, if you do - you're a saint.  A magician and a saint.


On the menu:
Steamed sweet potatoes  (4 servings)
Fresh carrots, celery, and cucumbers (8 servings)
Side salads for each day (5 servings)
Healthy Chicken Salad (4 big servings, or 6 sides)
Smoothies for breakfast! (5)
Dahl with Basmati Rice (3 servings)
Turkey Meatloaf Muffins (12 muffins, I usually do one per meal)


So, that's like....a lot of food, yo.

AND I'm making my favorite lazy-day frugal food - Homemade Chicken Broth!!!

Or, as I like to call it - busy broth.  Because I make this broth in my crockpot, I can buzz around the house or run errands while it simmers.  Multi-tasking for the win!

I'm sure you know that a lot of the foods we eat these days are processed beyond belief!  I know it - I still eat it.  No guilt-shaming here, friends!  Still, I notice a serious difference in my body - my mood and energy levels, especially - when I eat whole, natural foods.

And my wallet notices, too!

Here's why:

First, I gotta give it up for my local
grocery store.  They stock a huge selection of produce at really great prices (with *amazing* specials).  Plus, the manager is maybe the friendliest dude ever.

Because I am blessed with just enough "free" time to prepare my veggies, I buy them whole.  That means:  no baby carrots, no pre-sliced whatever, almost nothing from a bag.  I buy whole heads of lettuce (this week: kale and leaf lettuce, and a bag of curly spinach), unpeeled carrots and whole celery (.79 and .59 special respectively), a red pepper (.42/lb special), sweet potatoes (1.95), 3 pounds of yellow onions (.69), cucumbers (.59 each), and a bag of Cuties (1.49).  I could go on - but I think you get the point.

Even better:  when produce is nearing expiration, my store bundles them into discount packs.  Five small zucchini for .59, three ears of corn for .89, shallots for .59.  I buy these up when I am making broth to supplement my mix.

Nothing - and I mean NOTHING - goes to waste from these veggies.  My carrot and potato peels, my celery scraps, my onion skins - they all go into my busy broth!

There's really no exact recipe to follow, so I'll just give you the rundown of what's in my crockpot today.

Busy Broth

Leftover green pepper
Fresh Corn
Shallots
Carrots (and peels from my meal prep)
Celery (and scraps from my meal prep)
Sweet potato peels
Purple kale ribs
Bones and cartilage from two whole chickens
Water to fill

Sometimes, I buy a rotisserie chicken to put into my soups or salads.  Other times, I buy a whole chicken raw and roast it or cook it in my crockpot.  Either way, I *always* save and freeze the bones/cartilage/skin.
This way, nothing goes to waste.  I basically get to make about 64 ounces of broth for free!  One man's trash, as they say.

What tricks do you have for saving at the grocery store?  Any resourceful recipes you use to stretch your budget?  I'd love to hear from you!

Nom Nom for Now,
Amanda

The Wait is Over: Part Two

I left off Part One by saying that God is shaping me into a better wife and potential mother.

I asked him to tear away from me what allowed me to remain selfish - which, in hindsight, was such an appropriate request.  There are so many parts of myself that I'd like to change, and (hopefully) you will be able to see improvement over the years.  I'm a work in progress, on His timing.  

Speaking of timing...mine is a little off.  

Just a heads up, dude readers.  I'm about to talk Lady Business, with a capital Vagina.  So, proceed with caution.  

For the past several months my cycle has been way jacked up.  Like, nearly-triple-digits since my last period jacked up.  I went to the Lady Business doctor and she told me that I might just be really stressed out and putting the subconscious brakes on my uterus.  She also put me on a progesterone treatment to encourage withdrawal bleeding.  

Except I didn't respond to it.  More accurately: my ovaries ignored it completely.  

Meanwhile, my pelvis was getting more and more painful - tender, almost - and making me bloated.  Whatever was going on, it was messing with my body *and* my head.  At this point, my stress levels very well could have stopped a Mack truck of periods, so I was only a little surprised that the progesterone didn't work.  Plus, I had done my own reading and it turns out that the most common disorder that doesn't respond to progesterone is what the medical community has so subtly-termed "Total Ovarian Failure".  

*Gulp*

There were tears.  Oh-so-many tears.  I was beating myself up for not getting pregnant "when I could", I was beating myself up for not going to the doctor sooner.  I was pushing Stephen away (in more ways than one) because I didn't feel attractive in my super-sexy-bloat state, and I didn't want him to get stuck with someone who couldn't bear him children.  I guess I was temporarily insane and forgetting that he already *was* stuck with me, in sickness and in health.  

Somewhere in those heart-tearing gut-sobs, I begged God to forgive me for my anger.  I was mad at Him for taking away the one thing I had always wanted to experience - biological motherhood.  Of course, I *knew* this wasn't fair, but I felt so abandoned.  What else could I do but cry out in my pain and confusion?!?

And then God brought me to Hebrews.  (Side note: what an awesome book!)  

Hebrews 11: 8-12, to be exact. 

By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed [i]by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going. 9 By faith he lived as an alien in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, fellow heirs of the same promise;10 for he was looking for the city which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 By faith even Sarah herself received [j]ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised. 12 Therefore there was born even of one man, and him as good as dead [k]at that, as many descendants as the stars of heaven in number, and innumerable as the sand which is by the seashore.

WHOA.  

God wasn't asking me to be happy.  He wasn't asking me to be a mom tomorrow.  He was asking me to have faith.  

And Stephen and I started talking about it.  We are both scared to be parents, not sure if we're ready and capable to properly raise kids of our own.  Stephen reiterated his faith in my ability to be a mom in whatever way that comes to us - through biological children, foster kids, adoption, whatever.  We realized that God was taking us into a foreign land, and that in so doing, He may be sparing us from a greater pain than infertility.  He may be bringing us the greatest gift we can never imagine for ourselves.  He may have a child whose fate is in our hands, and who will need us to be childless to truly appreciate them as the blessing they are.  

The bottom line is this:  there is *always* reason to have faith.  Faith is the assurance of things hoped for. 

And there is always hope. 

My doctor put me on a second round of progesterone.  She either hadn't given up on my ovaries or she thought it would be a fun mental health experiment.  At this point, my sister offered me bail money, a hideout - whatever I needed.  (To those of you who haven't had this lovely experience:  it makes you certifiably insane.  I recommend pairing this medication with a 72-hour psych hold.) 

And a few days later, it worked.  

I don't think I've ever been so happy to get a period in my entire life.  I do *not* have Total Ovarian Failure, by the grace of God.  Instead, I have this lovely little disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  

There are so many varying components of PCOS, and each woman is a little different in her presenting symptoms and best management techniques.  I'll try to explain it simply for those of you who like all the technical stuff.  

PCOS is a condition in which a woman's hormones are super out-of-whack; they don't properly trigger egg maturation and release during what should be ovulation.  The egg improperly matures and does not release.  Instead, it quite literally explodes into a cyst (fluid-filled sac) that attaches to the ovary.  This sac is very painful.  Technically, PCOS is diagnosed with an ultrasound that reveals 10 or more cysts.  

Women with PCOS are also likely to suffer from insulin resistance, difficulty losing weight, and/or body or facial hair growth.  The real kicker is that PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women under 35.  

So, yeah.  I might still be infertile.  I only ovulate when my body decides it wants to, really.  And as of late, it isn't too keen on the notion.  I may or may not have ovulated this month - we'll see!  My doctor's orders are to lose weight and avoid high-glycemic foods that can wreak havoc on my insulin and hormone levels.  

If I have trouble with losing weight, she can put me on a drug that will help regulate my hormones to allow weight to come off.  But, this drug also increases fertility.  Soon we'll have only two choices:  drugs for fertility or drugs with which not-to-get-pregnant.  Pray for us as we face this MASSIVE decision in the coming months.

Yesterday was my birthday and it is honestly the first birthday I did not want to celebrate.  That biological clock is ticking so loudly, and I really didn't want another (painful) reminder that my chances of ever conceiving grow slimmer with each month.  But we celebrated anyway.  We looked fear in the eye and told it firmly that God was with us, and it would not steal our joy.  And it was a pretty sweet day after all! :) 

If you're wondering why I have PCOS, you're not alone.  Doctors believe there is a genetic tendency, but there are always contributing factors.  I sometimes wonder if it's my fault.  To be honest, that line of thinking will get me nowhere fast.  I am doing my best to focus on keeping my hope alive.  

After all, I've still got about 63 years on Sarah, and she had a healthy baby boy.  God does His best work on the "broken", don't you think?  

The Wait is Over: Part One

You might remember this recent post about waiting for God's timing.

Well, the wait is over.  For now.

We've gotten the chance to share the news with some of our family and friends, and it is probably a good thing to process this development by sharing it further.

To begin, I guess I should back up a little.

A few months ago, I was suffering from a seriously overwhelming case of baby fever.  There were tears, there were hurt feelings, there was serious doubt.  Not pretty.  I had this sinking feeling - a fear, really - that I would be infertile and that if we waited, we would be too old to enjoy our children or grandchildren.

I still have those lingering fears, for sure.  I think parenthood will just replace those with other, more urgent fears.

While I was having this baby-panic-attack, everyone on FB was getting pregnant.  With twins.  And their third baby.  And so on.  A few friends of mine were very pregnant and getting close to their due date.  I felt like my womb was the only empty one and it would forever be barren.  Granted, I knew in my mind that we weren't (and aren't) ready for children.  That didn't stop my heart from hurting and trying to urge me on to motherhood.

Jealousy is not flattering, by the way.  I learned this the hard way.

At some point in my fervent prayers, I felt God was telling me that He wasn't punishing me - that instead, He was trying to prepare me for the difficulties of parenthood.  And then He gave me some very hard-hitting examples of just how difficult it can be.

Within the week I had this realization, a friend became a first-time mom to a beautiful baby.  She messaged me, asking me to pray for her because she was having a rough time - the sleep deprivation newborns bring, the constant worries - she wanted to be a perfect mom from day one and it was harder than it looked.  I told her that (from my understanding) practice makes perfect and that she was doing great.  But my heart broke to hear her so distraught at that happy time.

The very next day, a dear friend informed everyone through FB that her son was diagnosed with a terminal illness.  My heart just fell to pieces.  I sobbed, my husband held me.  I called my mom.  It seemed so unfair, but my friend had faith of many, many mustard seeds.  This young boy is now undergoing treatment in the very *first* clinical trials for any treatment for the disease.

As his mom said:  "It's got God's timing written all over it."

And God was using these hardships (of my friends, not even my own trials) to mold my heart and prepare my soul.  I had no idea what He had in store for me, but I felt so loved and at peace with the knowledge that He was preparing me to be a parent someday.

I began praying, "God, please, anything that is selfish in me, anything that will make me a bad parent, tear it away from me.  Rip it from my hands, take it from my life so that I will be the kind of mother that would honor You in her life."

And He did.

Continue this journey at The Wait is Over: Part Two.

Honey-Do-a-Whole-Lot

Sorry it's been so long!  We've been busy - in a good way!

With my work schedule, it's rare to get two consecutive days free from my job.  When that happens, we feel very blessed and usually try to squeeze in a lot of productivity - and a bit of relaxation! :)

Last Sunday, we made the afternoon all about fixing up our cozy little home.  I've been itching to rearrange our bedroom and put the bed on lifts for a while now.  Isn't it funny how you just can't stop re-organizing once you start?

This is what we finished last week:

Re-arranged our bedroom
Put bed on lifts
Moved nightstand to living room (really, it's a small round table that's perfect for my little reading chair!)
Moved shelving unit stacked on dresser to closet for shoe storage
Adding toilet paper storage to bathroom
Organized cabinet under kitchen sink
Hung aluminum foil and saran wrap in cabinet
Built storage box for ziploc bags in cabinet
Organized cabinets and coffee storage above kitchen sink
Temporarily relocated filing cabinet - future project in store!

We also ordered bar stools on Amazon (thanks to our Christmas Amazon gift cards, you guys ROCK!)  They just got delivered today, and I'm technically still at work (eating my dinner) so I haven't seen them yet.  I can't wait!!! We have a built-in bar on our countertop, and haven't been able to properly use it yet!

Moving the filing cabinet (and eventually tossing it!) freed up a little nook in our apartment - about 30 inches deep and 40 inches long, facing the living room.  Stephen has wanted a dedicated desk space to set up his computer, and we're almost ready to build our own desk into the wall!

Speaking of upcoming projects, here's a few on our to-do list:

Polish wood floor (this is that one that I keep telling myself I'll do....eventually....)
Build a standing workstation in our crazy nook
Adding spare towel storage to bathroom
Organizing under bathroom sink
Re-organizing kitchen storage - there has *got* to be a smarter way to store lids!!!
Adding shelves above self-built workstation
Adding mail/bills storage to walls near workstation
Eliminating file cabinet by transferring to boxes in closet.\
Re-organizing pantry
Creating spice storage with magnetic jars on the fridge
Creating a magnetic strip for utensil storage in the kitchen

Whew!  We have got a big to-do list but I'm really excited to knock out these projects ASAP!

What home improvement or organizational projects are you working on?  Any tips or hints to share?

Best Wishes,
Amanda

The Waiting Game

My very wise sister-in-law once reminded me that the Bible commands us most often to simply obey.  That's it - the most common command in the Bible.  It is not a command to honor your parents, to avoid lying, to wear your hair a certain way (although those first two are still pretty important, folks).

It is much simpler: Obey.  

One word with so much weight.

The Lord has brought me firmly into a season of waiting.  There is no shortcut, no way to go around this trial.  He has brought me to it, and He will bring me through it - eventually.  On His time, and most certainly not my own.  

Sorry if it seems I'm being vague here, but I'm not yet ready to share details.  I am still waiting on some answers myself, and I'm not interested in stirring up emotions until I am sure there is a definite need.  

When I pray, I ask God to give me eyes to see Him and a heart to listen to His will.  I ask big, huge things - like curing people of illness, or bringing change to a stubborn heart - because I believe that my God can do anything.  If I shy from asking Him for these monumental favors, then I am doubting His authority to grant them.  However - I always end with an acknowledgement that His will is better than my own, and His plan will glorify Him in ways I cannot imagine possible.  

And it has.  

This season of waiting has urged me to pray more frequently and more fervently.  Many times, I feel that prayer is the only thing I can actually accomplish.  When I feel trapped, I throw myself at my Lord's feet.  There is nowhere else to go.  I praise Him for drawing me nearer to Him, although my body protests in this life.  

Here are a few things I've learned in my prayers and reading during this time when I am adrift.  

1) My situation may change, but God never will.  He will continue to provide for me, to bless me, and to protect me.  His peace is sweeter in my uncertainty and His strength is greatest when I am unable to carry on myself.  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. - Hebrews 13:8 

2) Although I cannot understand where this road is leading me, He knows every step.  I can trust God blindly because He not only knows the way - He designed this path specifically for me.  My only command is to walk it with trust in Him and Him alone, or I will surely make a misstep.  He is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.  - Psalm 119:105.  

3) In this particular season, faith means going where I am called without understanding - and without question.  I may hesitate in this earthly body, but who am I to balk at God's plans for me?  Jesus said to Peter, "If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you?  You follow me!"  - John 21:22 

4) Faith is essential to surviving this trial.  I must not lost hope, I must not lose my nerve.  Whenever I feel weak, I can hear the doubt creep into my mind.  My aching heart cries out, "Why, God?!?!  Why me?!?!?  What did I do to make you take your blessing from me?"  This is *very* dangerous territory to tread.  Yes, my heart aches.  No, I do not understand why.  But how can I justify accusing God?  What proof do I have that He has taken His blessing from me?  For all I know, God could be sparing me grief and heartache that my faith, and thus my soul, would not withstand at this time.  I feel darkness encroaching when I cry out this way, and I reject it.  I will not allow myself to be swallowed by darkness again.  Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.  - Hebrews 11:1 

5) God has a great inheritance planned for me.  I may never receive the news that I long to hear - but I will receive a place in Heaven.  I will walk by faith into the land which God has prepared for me.  I do not know what it holds - richness or poverty, abundance or famine, health or plague.  But I know that God has knitted me together with His strength for this very purpose and I am honored to carry this weight.  By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going.  By faith he lived as an alien in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, fellow heirs of the same promise; for he was looking for the city which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God.  By faith even Sarah herself received ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised. - Hebrews 11:8-11

6) I am never alone in this wait.  I have nothing to fear.  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous!  Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.  - Joshua 1:9 

What has God taught you by bringing you to a waiting room?  How have you drawn closer to Him in times of uncertainty?  

May God give you eyes to see His will, and a heart to hear it.  

Amanda

Kitchen Adventures: Taco Spice Blend

Big things are happening on this little blog, friends!

I submitted my Ras el Hanout recipe to The Spice House recipe collection and it was accepted!  View it here.  If you don't have a wide spice selection or don't use these spices regularly, The Spice House has a great Moroccan Spice Blend that Paige (from the Spice House) loves!

I'm so flattered to have anything of mine included in the Spice House collection.  Paige asked me if I had used anything special in my tacos, and since I *did* make my own spice blend...I'm going to share it with you now!

This blend replaces those taco-seasoning packets you can find at the grocery store.  Usually those are full of MSG or sodium.  Guess what?  You don't need sodium to enhance flavor if your spices pack their own punch!

Taco Seasoning:

2 tsp. chili powder
1.5 tsp paprika
1.5 tsp cumin
1 tsp onion powder
3/4 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp sea salt
(more than) a dash of cayenne.

My secret ingredient is...

baking cocoa!

I got some pretty awesome dutch-processed cocoa to make homemade hot cocoa, and I had a bit left over.  I added somewhere between 1/4 and 1/2 tsp.

Mix it up!  This blend makes enough for one pound of meat.  Use it the same way you'd use the seasoning packet - after browning, add with a bit of water and simmer the meat and spices in the skillet.

Nom nom for now,
Amanda

Kitchen Adventures: Hoppin' Jalapeno Pull-Apart Bread

I've done it, guys.

I've found the perfect hostess gift, the best bread for dinner parties, the "I'll bring this to Christmas at Grandma's" recipe.  

Hold on to your pants, 'cause it's a kicker! 

I've wanted to make a pull-apart bread since I-can't-remember ago.  Yesterday, I made tacos with homemade tortillas and I wanted to find a great appetizer for that meal.  And then the lightbulb went on - make the pull-apart bread and make it pretty!  

I found this recipe on the most adorable little blog - Developing a Pattern.  Yes, the recipe is two years old (which makes me feel silly for waiting so long to find and make it! 

This bread is soooooo yummy - cheesy, spicy, and melt-in-your-mouth gooey.  We tore off pieces by hand and dipped them in salsa - queso would do nicely, too.  Since it's made in a bundt pan, I used a ramekin to hold the salsa and placed it in the middle of the bread.  It looked so legit, guys.  Like I work for Food Network or something.

Food Network Realness

Here's the recipe:  

Bread:

4 cups white bread flour 

1 package active dry yeast (2.25 tsp)

2 heaping tsp salt

5 Tbsp EVOO (extra virgin olive oil, I won't spell that out every time, so....that's the abbreviation)

1.5 cups water

Spice Mix:

1/2 stick butter, melted

1/2 cup EVOO

1 Tbsp minced garlic

1.5 tsp cumin

1/2 tsp cayenne 

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp red pepper flakes 

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp ground pepper 

Layers:

3 Tbsp diced jalapeno pepper

3/4 cup pepperjack cheese, shredded/grated

3/4 cup sharp cheddar cheese, shredded/grated

Before you begin, make sure you have warm kitchen.  If it's chilly, just preheat the oven to 475 F.  I know, it's a loooong time to preheat an oven through risings, but you need a warm kitchen for the yeast to be happy.  

***Note:  I always use gloves when handling hot peppers.  This isn't because of some horrific incident involving capsaicin, but because I get really tingly fingers for like, two days after contact with pepper oils.  Just...be careful, mmk?  Don't go touching just anything - try to avoid contamination with the oils. 

Combine the dry bread ingredients in the bowl of a stand mixer.  Using your bread hook, turn the mixer to its lowest speed setting.  Slowly add oil and water.  Continue to mix at lowest speed for about two minutes, or until dough forms a ball/binds together.  Turn the speed up one notch and mix for six minutes, or until dough becomes firm and just barely sticky to the touch.  

Turn the dough onto a floured surface and knead gently for about two minutes.  Form dough into a ball, place into an oiled bowl, and cover loosely with plastic wrap and a towel.  Let rise for one hour.  

While the dough is rising, you can prep the spice mix and the layering bits.  Just mix together all the spices with the oil and butter.  If you'd like, you can separate the cheese and jalapenos into thirds.  

Once the dough has risen, lightly punch it down (my favorite part!) into the bowl, and begin to pinch off small pieces.  I'd say about a tablespoon-ish size, but I made some larger than that to speed up the process.  Dunk the bread bites in the spice mix, and toss them into a bundt pan - no need to grease the pan.  Once you have a bottom layer down (about 1/3 of the dough), add 1/3 of the cheeses and jalapenos in a layer.  Add a second layer of dough, and then the cheeses and pepper, and repeat one more time.  The top layer should be cheese and peppers, and it will make the most *delicious* crust.  

Cover the pan and let rise for 45 minutes to one hour.  Place in the oven, and reduce the heat to 425 F.  Bake for 16-20 minutes, until bread is golden brown and cheese is gooey-crispy-awesome.  

Let the bread cool for 30 minutes before turning out onto a plate.  Serve with salsa or queso.  

Irresistible

What might you add to the layers in the bread?  Maybe some onions and other peppers?  Make it your own! 

Nom nom for now,

Amanda