The Wait is Over: Part One

You might remember this recent post about waiting for God's timing.

Well, the wait is over.  For now.

We've gotten the chance to share the news with some of our family and friends, and it is probably a good thing to process this development by sharing it further.

To begin, I guess I should back up a little.

A few months ago, I was suffering from a seriously overwhelming case of baby fever.  There were tears, there were hurt feelings, there was serious doubt.  Not pretty.  I had this sinking feeling - a fear, really - that I would be infertile and that if we waited, we would be too old to enjoy our children or grandchildren.

I still have those lingering fears, for sure.  I think parenthood will just replace those with other, more urgent fears.

While I was having this baby-panic-attack, everyone on FB was getting pregnant.  With twins.  And their third baby.  And so on.  A few friends of mine were very pregnant and getting close to their due date.  I felt like my womb was the only empty one and it would forever be barren.  Granted, I knew in my mind that we weren't (and aren't) ready for children.  That didn't stop my heart from hurting and trying to urge me on to motherhood.

Jealousy is not flattering, by the way.  I learned this the hard way.

At some point in my fervent prayers, I felt God was telling me that He wasn't punishing me - that instead, He was trying to prepare me for the difficulties of parenthood.  And then He gave me some very hard-hitting examples of just how difficult it can be.

Within the week I had this realization, a friend became a first-time mom to a beautiful baby.  She messaged me, asking me to pray for her because she was having a rough time - the sleep deprivation newborns bring, the constant worries - she wanted to be a perfect mom from day one and it was harder than it looked.  I told her that (from my understanding) practice makes perfect and that she was doing great.  But my heart broke to hear her so distraught at that happy time.

The very next day, a dear friend informed everyone through FB that her son was diagnosed with a terminal illness.  My heart just fell to pieces.  I sobbed, my husband held me.  I called my mom.  It seemed so unfair, but my friend had faith of many, many mustard seeds.  This young boy is now undergoing treatment in the very *first* clinical trials for any treatment for the disease.

As his mom said:  "It's got God's timing written all over it."

And God was using these hardships (of my friends, not even my own trials) to mold my heart and prepare my soul.  I had no idea what He had in store for me, but I felt so loved and at peace with the knowledge that He was preparing me to be a parent someday.

I began praying, "God, please, anything that is selfish in me, anything that will make me a bad parent, tear it away from me.  Rip it from my hands, take it from my life so that I will be the kind of mother that would honor You in her life."

And He did.

Continue this journey at The Wait is Over: Part Two.