It's been too long since I've updated this sleepy blog. Apologies - so much has happened in the real world that my online self can't keep up!
Last time we chatted, I told you about my new job and the layoff that precipitated that huge change! Well, I still *love* my job! I'm getting more and more responsibility and freedom each day, and I am so blessed to have a chance to shine among people I truly respect and admire.
My walk with God is a daily peace. When I find myself feeling grumpy or short, I realize that I haven't been spending enough time with my Creator. Recently, I took a bath while singing old songs from my youth choir (One Voice) days. Honestly, I haven't had such a relaxing bath in a long, long time.
So, where do I begin? What's up in my life (and my last blog post) that you don't know yet?
As it turns out - some pretty big things.
I read back through my previous post, One Note Nancy, and I am in tears. Oh, the heartache and uncertainty. The fear I felt and now only feel from time to time. God has done so much work on my heart to bring me closer to His will and further from my own (and yet, there is much work left to be done)!
*BEFORE YOU READ ON - Go back and read ONE NOTE NANCY*
Seriously. Do it. Just....two minutes. The pictures are hilarious.
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At the time I wrote that post, God had already performed so many miracles in my life. I was begging for more, and yet He was more than generous with me.
I found out about 3 weeks later that I was pregnant. YES, pregnant.
How did that happen?!?!?
Well, I mean...we all know how it happened. ;) But really - with PCOS, how did it happen? I hadn't had a period for 6 months and then my first cycle - BAM - accidentally with child! God sure has a sense of humor. :)
This is how we found out:
April 10th is my brother-in-law, Mi*'s birthday. We went home to visit family for the weekend, and Saturday night I was feeling quite antsy. I asked Stephen if we could go for a drive, and we ended up driving and talking for at least two hours. I talked about my fear of infertility, and how even though I *really* wanted a child, it might be more financially sound to wait for a few years.
Our original plan was to start trying for a baby in September, but I was worried about finances - as I always am - and wanted more time to prepare. Stephen, to his credit, knew I was just nervous and basically held me to my word. September it was - or so we thought.
On the drive, I kept complaining to Stephen that he was taking corners too quickly. I was feeling really woozy every time he made a turn, and clearly it was because he had suddenly decided to take up NASCAR! (Also, TMI: My boobs hurt.so.badly. I was wincing every time I hugged someone.) He kept reassuring me that it was all in my head.
I had no idea what a "normal" cycle length would be, as I hadn't been in any sort of regularity for the better part of a year. I guessed I was just about ready to get a visit from Aunt Flo, but I wanted to be sure. So, I asked Stephen to stop by 7-11 and grab a pregnancy test. He questioned if it was really necessary, but I argued that it was more for my own sanity than it was for any sort of confirmation or suspicion. I had just spent two hours talking about how we weren't ready for kids; I wasn't crossing my fingers for a plus sign. I just wanted to reassure myself that my ovaries were functioning.
We stopped, grabbed a pregnancy test from the nice man at the 7-11, and went home. Stephen stayed downstairs to play cards with his brother and almost-sister-in-law J. I went upstairs, took the test, and IMMEDIATELY saw that big blue plus sign. WHOA.
Cue cry/laughing and the strangest five minutes of happiness I have ever experienced to date.
I immediately praised God, loved this new baby, and was completely giddy with joy and surprise!
But I played it cool - so cool, in fact, J now says she's convinced I'm a really good liar. ;) I went downstairs, joined the conversation with Stephen, M, and J - and acted like nothing had happened.
Forever later (it felt like forever), Stephen and I went to bed. I had hid the positive test in his pillow - but of course, he didn't lay his head on it and didn't even notice. He jokingly asked if I was pregnant, and I said..."Why do you ask?" He froze a little and said, "Because...you took a test....wait, are you pregnant?"
"Maybe. (giggle)"
"Seriously? You're pregnant, aren't you? I figured."
And then we spent the next two hours giggling and cuddling and kissing and being immediately happy about our new family of three. So much for September! God had other plans for us. (Sorry, J - we kept you up! Now you know why we were so excited!)
At 2 am, I insisted we go to Walgreens. Correction, go BACK to Walgreens - as we had just stopped there a few hours earlier to grab snacks. The same lady checked us out at 2 am and I'm sure we were quite an interesting pair to her that evening. :)
We dropped about $50 in pregnancy test and I took all of them. Yup, totally still pregnant. We made plans to tell our families on Mother's Day - less than one month away!
That was April 11th.
April 20th, I started bleeding. I was 6 weeks along.
Now, let's pause for a moment. Miscarriage happens - especially for women with PCOS. About 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, even more for women with reproductive issues. I can expect that this likely won't be my last miscarriage, sadly.
Every person's experience is different. I respect that not every woman will feel the same about losing a baby. This is what I learned - and it is not meant to demean or undermine any other person's experience of miscarriage, motherhood, or fertility.
I learned that God's plan is better than my own. I learned that God laughs at my plans ("Ha, September!") and gently teaches me what I can learn from every experience. I learned that I deeply love children and am fiercely protective of unborn children. I learned that you don't have to give birth to see yourself as a mother - and to grieve on Mother's Day. I learned that losing an unborn child is devastating - no matter how little time you've had together. Since our miscarriage, a family friend has had a very late-term stillbirth. I cannot imagine that pain - but I do know that she and her husband and her family find solace in the Lord. So do I - I've learned a new depth of peace in God.
I'll admit - I took an entire day off of work from my brand new job - I had been there less than one week! I took that day and grieved for our child, for our family. We hadn't told anyone yet, so I knew it would be hard to tell everyone bad news. We missed that moment where you share the good news and everyone celebrates. We didn't get to rejoice at the miracle of life, at the mercy of God together. Instead, we grieved. We were solemn and gentle with one another.
My husband is even more precious than he ever was before he was a father to my Peppercorn. Creating life together - and then grieving that life together - has made us so much stronger as a couple. We have both become closer to God through this pain, which ultimately brings us closer to one another.
Now, we recognize that 6-week miscarriages are really common. We aren't any more special than the next couple who conceives.
God is the one who makes all the difference.
What could have turned into a spiral of depression and anxiety became a moment of joy and miraculous life. What could have been a reason to give up became a call to pursue God's plan over our own. We lost our baby but gained so much - peace, perspective, and clarity.
The selfish heart in me would trade those any day for a swollen baby-bump.
Sometimes, I succumb to bitterness and jealousy. It was hard at first to see smiling babies, pregnant women, or even the announcement onesies I had already ordered.
But knowing our little Peppercorn was with us gave me hope - and even if they are not going to make us three instead of two this winter...we are happy.
And we hope you are too.
We hope you can find rest in the love of God - which is wide and long and high and deep. Deeper still than we could ever imagine.
Numbers 6:24-26:
The Lord bless you, and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine on you,
and be gracious to you;
The Lord life up His countenance on you,
and give you peace.
Amen.
With Love,
The Colberts
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