Meal Planning

This week, I'm trying to map out meals that the kids can eat on the go. I don't plan on being out and about much, but it's nice to have things pre-packed so I don't need to make time during the middle of the day to actually *make* lunch.

Breakfast this week will be overnight oatmeal, hardboiled eggs, and cereal if people prefer.

Of course, I used the last of the milk just before deciding I needed to make overnight oats. Instead, I used coconut milk, greek yogurt, and carnation instant breakfast. I added a dash of vanilla and oats. To be honest, it seemed thick - so I added about 1/2 cup of water. Cross your fingers for me!

The hardboiled eggs I like best are made in my instant pot. But, I'm using the instant pot to make my own yogurt (cold start, fair life milk) so it has to sit undisturbed for 8 hours. Instead, I just boiled them on the stovetop. One cracked. Darn.

I've got enough coffee to get me to Friday, I think.

Lunch:
M: chicken and veggie, salad, yogurt
T: nut butter sandwich, grapes, yogurt, roasted carrots
W: leftovers
Thur: Tuna Cakes & Veg
Fri: Leftovers
Sat: Ham, Cheese, Crackers, Fruit.

Snacks include fruit, yogurt, cereal bar, cereal, oat cookies, etc.

Dinner:
M: Pizza from Aldi
T: Chicken Drumsticks, Potatoes, Carrots
W: Chicken Pot Pie
Th: Tortellini Soup
Fri: Leftovers
Sat: Quiche (ingredients depending on what's on sale on Friday)

With this meal plan, I won't need to go to the grocery store until Saturday, which is ideal. My hope is to ration $60 toward cleaning products this week to get Target's sale.

Now we are three

In other words, we're having a baby!

You may be wondering why, at just a shade over 8.5 weeks, we decided to announce this happy news. Most people wait until that second trimester, right? Because by then, there's less chance of miscarriage or something going "wrong".

For those of you who don't know, we sadly had a miscarriage earlier this year at 6 weeks. We had decided to keep our little secret until closer to the ten-week mark (even from our families) and ended up having to tell people we *were* pregnant - but had lost our baby. It was hard, as losing a child you haven't yet met always will be.

But what made it worse was not being able to celebrate with those who cared for us.

We were so excited to have a baby - even though this was a lovely little surprise person! And because we waited, we didn't get to share our joy, surprise, and happiness that this new life had sparked deep within our hearts.

In some ways, to some people, this made our baby seem less real and thus less of a loss. This broke our hearts - for the misguided people who felt this, for our missing child, and for our unknown future. We spent a lot of time in prayer, asking God those hard questions that sear the throat on their way out.

Will we ever have a baby? Are we supposed to adopt instead?

Why?

Through our grief, we learned several things.

God is the Decider.

• We do not have control over our lives of the lives of our future children.

He makes all things work together for His glory.

• Even this grief would serve a purpose in His kingdom.

We are not to fear, but to live by faith.

• God will provide in order for His plan to reign.

So why tell you about this second pregnancy at 8.5 weeks?

It's not because of some scientific certainty that this baby will be a happy, healthy infant in our arms next year. It's not because we're foolish.

It's because this baby - this baby God is knitting inside me as you read this - is a gift. Even if we only have this gift for 9 weeks, 9 months, or 90 years - they are a creation of the Redeemer. And we ought to take joy in all His blessings!

We want our shameless elation to infect all of you - and to ignite in your hearts a deeper trust in the One who calls you by name.

You might be wondering what will happen if I miscarry again, and this baby also leaves us before we meet him or her. How will we deal with that, when we've already made our pregnancy public?

And to that, I say:

Do not fear. Do not worry. There is a greater purpose to this child's existence.

Our baby has already changed our lives. We hope that, no matter how long they are with us on this earth, they can help us create a safe space for anyone to heal, to help, and to take heart.

And of course, to spread joy.

All our love,

Stephen, Amanda, and Baby Colbert

Psalm 139:13 - For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

A Final Note: We fully respect each family’s wishes in announcing (or choosing not to announce) their pregnancy or struggles with pregnancy.  This heartfelt message is in no way intended to diminish or demean other choices.  Deciding to have a child, conceiving, bearing a child, and then raising that child is an incredible challenge.  It is incredibly personal and a very sensitive topic to many, and we respect and honor that.

This is What's Up

Hey friends and family - 

It's been too long since I've updated this sleepy blog.  Apologies - so much has happened in the real world that my online self can't keep up! 

Last time we chatted, I told you about my new job and the layoff that precipitated that huge change!  Well, I still *love* my job!  I'm getting more and more responsibility and freedom each day, and I am so blessed to have a chance to shine among people I truly respect and admire.  

My walk with God is a daily peace.  When I find myself feeling grumpy or short, I realize that I haven't been spending enough time with my Creator.  Recently, I took a bath while singing old songs from my youth choir (One Voice) days.  Honestly, I haven't had such a relaxing bath in a long, long time.  

So, where do I begin?  What's up in my life (and my last blog post) that you don't know yet?  

As it turns out - some pretty big things.  

I read back through my previous post, One Note Nancy, and I am in tears.  Oh, the heartache and uncertainty.  The fear I felt and now only feel from time to time.  God has done so much work on my heart to bring me closer to His will and further from my own (and yet, there is much work left to be done)! 

*BEFORE YOU READ ON - Go back and read ONE NOTE NANCY*

Seriously.  Do it.  Just....two minutes.  The pictures are hilarious. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the time I wrote that post, God had already performed so many miracles in my life.  I was begging for more, and yet He was more than generous with me.  

I found out about 3 weeks later that I was pregnant.  YES, pregnant.

How did that happen?!?!?

Well, I mean...we all know how it happened. ;)  But really - with PCOS, how did it happen?  I hadn't had a period for 6 months and then my first cycle - BAM - accidentally with child!  God sure has a sense of humor. :) 

This is how we found out:

April 10th is my brother-in-law, Mi*'s birthday.  We went home to visit family for the weekend, and Saturday night I was feeling quite antsy.  I asked Stephen if we could go for a drive, and we ended up driving and talking for at least two hours.  I talked about my fear of infertility, and how even though I *really* wanted a child, it might be more financially sound to wait for a few years.  

Our original plan was to start trying for a baby in September, but I was worried about finances - as I always am - and wanted more time to prepare.  Stephen, to his credit, knew I was just nervous and basically held me to my word.  September it was - or so we thought.  

On the drive, I kept complaining to Stephen that he was taking corners too quickly.  I was feeling really woozy every time he made a turn, and clearly it was because he had suddenly decided to take up NASCAR!  (Also, TMI: My boobs hurt.so.badly.  I was wincing every time I hugged someone.)  He kept reassuring me that it was all in my head.

I had no idea what a "normal" cycle length would be, as I hadn't been in any sort of regularity for the better part of a year.  I guessed I was just about ready to get a visit from Aunt Flo, but I wanted to be sure.  So, I asked Stephen to stop by 7-11 and grab a pregnancy test.  He questioned if it was really necessary, but I argued that it was more for my own sanity than it was for any sort of confirmation or suspicion.  I had just spent two hours talking about how we weren't ready for kids; I wasn't crossing my fingers for a plus sign.  I just wanted to reassure myself that my ovaries were functioning.  

We stopped, grabbed a pregnancy test from the nice man at the 7-11, and went home.  Stephen stayed downstairs to play cards with his brother and almost-sister-in-law J.  I went upstairs, took the test, and IMMEDIATELY saw that big blue plus sign.  WHOA.  

Cue cry/laughing and the strangest five minutes of happiness I have ever experienced to date.

I immediately praised God, loved this new baby, and was completely giddy with joy and surprise! 

But I played it cool - so cool, in fact, J now says she's convinced I'm a really good liar. ;)  I went downstairs, joined the conversation with Stephen, M, and J - and acted like nothing had happened.   

Forever later (it felt like forever), Stephen and I went to bed.  I had hid the positive test in his pillow - but of course, he didn't lay his head on it and didn't even notice.  He jokingly asked if I was pregnant, and I said..."Why do you ask?"  He froze a little and said, "Because...you took a test....wait, are you pregnant?"  

"Maybe. (giggle)"

"Seriously?  You're pregnant, aren't you?  I figured."

And then we spent the next two hours giggling and cuddling and kissing and being immediately happy about our new family of three.  So much for September!  God had other plans for us.  (Sorry, J - we kept you up!  Now you know why we were so excited!) 

At 2 am, I insisted we go to Walgreens.  Correction, go BACK to Walgreens - as we had just stopped there a few hours earlier to grab snacks.  The same lady checked us out at 2 am and I'm sure we were quite an interesting pair to her that evening.  :)  

We dropped about $50 in pregnancy test and I took all of them.  Yup, totally still pregnant.  We made plans to tell our families on Mother's Day - less than one month away! 

That was April 11th.

April 20th, I started bleeding.  I was 6 weeks along.  

Now, let's pause for a moment.  Miscarriage happens - especially for women with PCOS.  About 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, even more for women with reproductive issues.  I can expect that this likely won't be my last miscarriage, sadly.  

Every person's experience is different.  I respect that not every woman will feel the same about losing a baby.  This is what I learned - and it is not meant to demean or undermine any other person's experience of miscarriage, motherhood, or fertility.  

I learned that God's plan is better than my own.  I learned that God laughs at my plans ("Ha, September!") and gently teaches me what I can learn from every experience.  I learned that I deeply love children and am fiercely protective of unborn children.  I learned that you don't have to give birth to see yourself as a mother - and to grieve on Mother's Day.  I learned that losing an unborn child is devastating - no matter how little time you've had together.  Since our miscarriage, a family friend has had a very late-term stillbirth.  I cannot imagine that pain - but I do know that she and her husband and her family find solace in the Lord.  So do I - I've learned a new depth of peace in God.

I'll admit - I took an entire day off of work from my brand new job - I had been there less than one week!  I took that day and grieved for our child, for our family.  We hadn't told anyone yet, so I knew it would be hard to tell everyone bad news.  We missed that moment where you share the good news and everyone celebrates.  We didn't get to rejoice at the miracle of life, at the mercy of God together.  Instead, we grieved.  We were solemn and gentle with one another.

My husband is even more precious than he ever was before he was a father to my Peppercorn.  Creating life together - and then grieving that life together - has made us so much stronger as a couple.  We have both become closer to God through this pain, which ultimately brings us closer to one another.  

Now, we recognize that 6-week miscarriages are really common.  We aren't any more special than the next couple who conceives.  

God is the one who makes all the difference.

What could have turned into a spiral of depression and anxiety became a moment of joy and miraculous life.  What could have been a reason to give up became a call to pursue God's plan over our own.  We lost our baby but gained so much - peace, perspective, and clarity.  

The selfish heart in me would trade those any day for a swollen baby-bump.  

Sometimes, I succumb to bitterness and jealousy.  It was hard at first to see smiling babies, pregnant women, or even the announcement onesies I had already ordered.  

But knowing our little Peppercorn was with us gave me hope - and even if they are not going to make us three instead of two this winter...we are happy.  

And we hope you are too.  

We hope you can find rest in the love of God - which is wide and long and high and deep.  Deeper still than we could ever imagine.  

Numbers 6:24-26:

The Lord bless you, and keep you;

The Lord make His face shine on you,

and be gracious to you;

The Lord life up His countenance on you,

and give you peace. 

Amen.  

With Love,

The Colberts 

Playing Catsup

Hi all!

Sorry it's been so long since I updated!  I could give you all the many reasons why, but I'm really not at liberty to say quite yet!

I promise you'll know as soon as I think the time is right.

Mostly, I want to hug each and every one of you.  God has been good to us when the world has been very hard.  It has been harder than I anticipated, although I can't say I'm very surprised.  I've seen people far more lovely than I receive far harsher circumstances than my own.

I know, I know!  Why post anything if I'm going to be so darn VAGUE about it???  All in due time, friend.

I've been focusing on building a daily habit of prayer.  I've posted pictures in my cubicle of people I want to pray for - mostly the cute baby variety - and written myself messages on my bathroom mirror.  I'm still struggling with consistency - I anticipate this being a long battle, and one I definitely will not win without the Spirit.

A few updates I can give you:

I was laid off from my old job at the end of March.
I found a job posted the same day, and applied.
I had a phone interview the following day, and was invited for an in-person interview.
I received an offer April 8th and began work April 15th!

What a crazy ride!

I really enjoy my new job - it's adult work with real responsibility, and I am so much more than just a funnel with a phone.  Really, I just feel like I'm developing and no longer stagnating, and that this company sees my full potential and wants to utilize it.  Plus, my co-workers are fun and we have a few good laughs together.

Stephen and I are falling more in love every day.  UGH, gross!!! But really.  Marriage is not always easy, but there are moments when you can't even wrap your mind about how much you love this person and want the best for them.  We focus on planting good seeds and pulling the weeds in the garden of our love for one another.  Sacrifice for Stephen is a joy.

There's more to tell, my friend, but it will have to wait for another day.  I don't want to keep you from being awesome and tending to your own love garden. :)

One-Note Nancy

I'm afraid I might be becoming a bit of a one-note Nancy.  I'm not sure if that's even a real phrase.  It is now, folks.

Babies. Fertility. Ovaries. Conception. Labor. Doula. Cyst. LH levels. Ovulation. I sometimes search for baby clothes on Amazon and add them to my cart for later.  

That note.  No, we're not actively trying to have a baby.  But I find myself researching things like, "Is it safe to have natural birth with ovarian cysts?"  But really, though.  Is it?  Can you...pop a cyst when you have a contraction?  Will labor make me lose an ovary?  

Train rides leave me too much time to wallow in my anxiety.  Today, I sat next to a very smart 8-year-old boy who told his dad that the new Wilson stop, when completed, will allow transfers from the Red to the Purple.  A few stops later, a young dad brought his 3-year-old daughter on board.  He carried her on but she got her own seat, and I could see the multi-colored speckled soles of her tiny sneakers.  She smiled and babbled and made funny faces at her daddy, and he made them back.  

I wanted to cry.  Out of joy for the sheer innocence and wonder these kids have.  Out of pride for this little genius sitting next to me.  Out of fear that I may never know what it's like to carry my own three-year-old anywhere.  

Because that's productive.

There's some sort of timeline in order.  I daily ask hubby if we can move the start date to today.  I try to chart my cycle so I can learn about my fertile and infertile days, and catch myself dreaming about accidentally conceiving.  Am I ready to be a mother?  Is he ready to be a father?  Will we be able to give our hypothetical child the love and discipline and nurturing and education they deserve?  Much of my time not dreaming about a child is spent worrying that I will mess it up, and hurt them forever.

As I type this, my right ovary is throbbing.  It's been complaining all day, and I do my best to ignore it.  

But every time I feel the stabbing pain, or the throbbing ache, or the pulsating pain that radiates through my legs - I mourn.  I imagine it's another kamikaze egg that imploded inside me.  Another egg that couldn't bear to be my child and just quit while it was ahead.  More proof I'm not fit to be a mother in so many ways.

This is how I Imagine my Ovaries.

Ah.  This wasn't meant to be some self-pitying rant.  Forgive me.  It's just the evil self-doubt trying to wrestle away my peace. 

In all honesty, I find it more difficult to confide in a loved one than to write this "open-for-the-whole-wide-world" blog.  I can talk to my husband about anything - he is my partner, he is my safe space.  And yet, this desire is difficult to voice.  I imagine I am worried of pressuring him into parenthood when he isn't prepared.  Or afraid that he'll tell me yet again that we are on a timeline and, "there's no reason to move that up." 

Ouch.  He's right in so many ways, but ouch. It hurts to hear that no matter how my heart aches, or my throat squeezes - it doesn't justify a change of plans.  But why do we make plans anyway?  God is the only One with a plan that actually works, that actually happens as it is designed.  Am I ready to learn what that plan holds for us? 

For all my verbosity, I can't find the words to explain this hurt.  I can describe in detail the fear of infertility.  I can delineate the advisable treatments for PCOS, and the means by which one can become pregnant.  I can cite the cost of an average domestic or international adoption.  I can rattle off the medical terms used to explain the state of my womb.  I even know if our insurance covers a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  But I don't know the name of this pain. 

I do know the name of Mercy.  I breathe in the warmth of Light.  I cry out to the Shepherd that I am lost.  And He gives me the words:

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord;

I will wait for the God of my salvation.

My God will hear me. 

Do no rejoice over me, O my enemy. 

Thought I fall I will rise;

Thought I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me." 

Micah 7:7-8

Lord, I pray that no one who reads this ever has to feel the pain of their own body betraying their heart.  If they do, Lord, I hope they will turn to You to heal.  I beg of you to take this pain from me, if it is Your will.  I have faith in Your providence; in your ability to perform miracles; in your promises made to me.  You will never leave or forsake me.  When I feel forsaken, give me the strength to tell my enemy that I will rise in the Light.  Draw me nearer to you as you perfect me, no matter how painful it is to die to myself.  Help me to live my death daily, to put Your will over my own, to honor Your purpose above my wants, to trust Your plan before drawing mine.  Embolden me to live my life without fear, but with love and mercy and grace that is as wide and long and high and deep as the love of Christ.  

Amen. 

Frosting - for Breakfast!

Hi everyone!

Thanks for stopping by and catching up, friends!  I have been feeling super busy as of late, but the good kind - where you have a good rhythm going and your to-do list is in check.  That's rare-ish for me, so it's a marvelous feeling!  I'm basking in it - and this new 40+ weather we're having in Chicago!  Today, I walked outside WITHOUT A COAT - for the first time in months!  I didn't need to protest myself from...well, the air.  :)

But I digress.  I'm here to talk about frosting!  Yes, for BREAKFAST!  You read that right.  

I just started a new diet (but really, let's call it a lifestyle because I dislike the work "diet") called the Keto diet.  Some of you might be familiar with this - for those who aren't, it's similar to South Beach, Paleo, or Atkins in a few ways.  It's a low-carb, high-fat diet that focuses on kicking your body into ketosis in high gear!  Ketosis is a natural process that your body does normally - it's basically the method by which your body burns macronutrients for energy.

Macronutrients - or "macros" - consist of carbs, proteins, and fats.  Carbs are the easiest to break down and the most likely to cause spikes in your blood sugar because of the way they convert to glucose.  The body will burn glucose first before it burns protein or fat, because carbs are...well...kind of easy.  ;)  Proteins are less likely to give it up, and fats are definitely not giving it up if carbs are at the party.  The long and short of it is this: if you don't intake carbs, your body will look to protein and fat to burn and fuel your body.  Fat burn = good!  Your liver will turn fats into fatty acids and ketones.  Fatty acids feed your brain.  Ketones become waste.  Ps - if you check out that link I just posted, you'll see that the Keto diet is used to help patients with EPILEPSY avoid seizures - seriously good for the brain!!!

I need to find a way to get lots of MCT oils into my diet - a Keto diet is usually about 5% carbs, 20-25% protein, and 70-75% fat.  I *know*, right???  The great thing about this diet is that I don't really feel like I'm depriving myself, and I am certainly not hungry.  I can't even come close to hitting my 1600 calorie-mark daily because I am so FULL!  And, as you may know, coconut oil is a fantastic commonplace source of MCT oils.  (Oh, MCT = Medium Chain Triglycerides, for the curious.)

OK - So, new diet, you get the basics.

There's a super delicious and sweet/salty treat I've found works really well for me!  It's called Keto Frosting, and it's all I eat it for breakfast.  Jealous yet?  I also get to eat bacon, eggs, cheese, steak with real butter, cheeseburgers, and so many other delicious things that you would normally give up on a "diet".  Yeah.  Now you're jealous.

Don't be jealous!  Join me!!!

Keto Frosting

3 Tbsp Coconut Oil (cold-pressed organic is best)

1 heaping Tbsp natural peanut butter (no added sugar)

1/2 to 1 full packet Stevia in the Raw (I personally use 1/2 packet)

Pinch of sea salt 

Here's how I prepare it:

Measure out coconut oil into a small glass bowl.  Microwave 12-ish seconds until soft and beginning to melt. 

Add peanut butter, Stevia, and sea salt.  Mix well.  

Cover bowl and refrigerate.  

I make this the night before - it's quick and simple, and SO TASTY!!!

Calories: 485 (again, this is *all* I eat for breakfast!) 

Carbs: 3.8 g

Proteins: 4.4 g

Fats: 52 g

Possible variations include: adding cocoa powder, using a bit of cream cheese and vanilla extract instead of peanut butter, adding almond meal and sugar-free syrup flavors, or using different nut butters.  Mix it up to find what works for you!

*Note: I do *not* make a commission from the products sold at the links - I just think it's helpful for those  to see what I actually us in my own kitchen.  I use a lot of the same products I've researched and found work well for many other Keto-lovers, so they are Keto-approved if you'd like to try! 

I started Keto after doing tons of research on diets compatible with PCOS and Metformin - since that's what I've got and that's how I'm treating it!  (Ps - thank you for all your thoughts and prayers!) I've been on it less than a whole week and I have already lost TWO POUNDS!!!  I know, right?!?!?  Fat in = fat out, baby!  I'm so excited to see the changes that is is *already* making in my health overall (not just my weight)! 

Have you ever tried Keto?  If so, I'd love to connect and learn from your experience! 

Nom nom for now,

Amanda

Our Nifty Nest

Hi friends!

I type this from my super comfy new couch.  Honestly, pictures just won't do it justice - you really need to come try it out! :) 

Like I said in my last post, we've been really busy doing some updates to our cozy little home.  We've been lucky enough to have really generous family and some really fantastic discount finds.  

A while ago, I mentioned a DIY project to build a standing computer desk.  Well, we kind of...scrapped that plan.  Instead, Stephen's parents gave us a computer desk from Ikea they needed to clear out of the office.  Believe it or not, it was a *perfect* fit for the space we had to fill.  I always wonder if they really "needed" to, or if they found a way to do without.  They're those kind of people - always putting everybody else before themselves.  

Anyway, I wanted to change the finish of the metal frame to better fit our apartment.  Stephen found a *really* cool spray paint that automatically dries in a hammered-metal finish.  He got a gunmetal gray color, brought home the desk, painted it in our storage unit, and assembled it.  Now, he has a home for his computer!  And he is super happy about it. :) Game on, honey!

We pooled our gift cards from Christmas and bought a set of bar stools that we use at our kitchen countertop bar and as seating for the computer desk.  They're saddle seats in a really nice dark-brown solid wood.  The color is a good contrast to the honey-colored cabinetry and bring out the darker tones in the marble countertop.  Again, Stephen whipped out the handyman skills and assembled them in about an hour.  He deserves a cookie, don'cha think?

Our biggest change was the addition of our new leather futon couch.  The previous owner dropped it off at Goodwill and told the salespeople there that he originally paid $1200 for it.  I was expecting it to be torn, dirty, or otherwise damaged.  Au contraire, mon frere!  The leather is in great condition, with two matching suede/leather pillows.  The frame itself is solid wood.  "Futon" sounds so...cheap and breakable, from my experience.  This thing is definitely neither - super comfy, well-built, and I have yet to find a scratch on it!  I found it and showed Stephen - we both agreed we could drop $150 on it and no more.  I didn't find a price tag, so I found an associate, who tagged it at...$40!!!  We immediately said, "...We'll...uh...we'll take it."  I was worried they might change their mind or that it might sell before my very eyes.  The couch stayed in that Goodwill for about thirty minutes before they brought it on the floor, and I saw it about five minutes later.  Such a steal.

Don't worry - I'm still planning a few more projects around here.  Can't let it get boring, you know?

Next up:  turning our coffee table into an ottoman!  I think I've got the "how" figured out - just need to put the wheels in motion.  And then you'll *have* to come over - a comfy couch, a cozy ottoman, and a cup of tea, dear?

Until next time,
Amanda