One-Note Nancy

I'm afraid I might be becoming a bit of a one-note Nancy.  I'm not sure if that's even a real phrase.  It is now, folks.

Babies. Fertility. Ovaries. Conception. Labor. Doula. Cyst. LH levels. Ovulation. I sometimes search for baby clothes on Amazon and add them to my cart for later.  

That note.  No, we're not actively trying to have a baby.  But I find myself researching things like, "Is it safe to have natural birth with ovarian cysts?"  But really, though.  Is it?  Can you...pop a cyst when you have a contraction?  Will labor make me lose an ovary?  

Train rides leave me too much time to wallow in my anxiety.  Today, I sat next to a very smart 8-year-old boy who told his dad that the new Wilson stop, when completed, will allow transfers from the Red to the Purple.  A few stops later, a young dad brought his 3-year-old daughter on board.  He carried her on but she got her own seat, and I could see the multi-colored speckled soles of her tiny sneakers.  She smiled and babbled and made funny faces at her daddy, and he made them back.  

I wanted to cry.  Out of joy for the sheer innocence and wonder these kids have.  Out of pride for this little genius sitting next to me.  Out of fear that I may never know what it's like to carry my own three-year-old anywhere.  

Because that's productive.

There's some sort of timeline in order.  I daily ask hubby if we can move the start date to today.  I try to chart my cycle so I can learn about my fertile and infertile days, and catch myself dreaming about accidentally conceiving.  Am I ready to be a mother?  Is he ready to be a father?  Will we be able to give our hypothetical child the love and discipline and nurturing and education they deserve?  Much of my time not dreaming about a child is spent worrying that I will mess it up, and hurt them forever.

As I type this, my right ovary is throbbing.  It's been complaining all day, and I do my best to ignore it.  

But every time I feel the stabbing pain, or the throbbing ache, or the pulsating pain that radiates through my legs - I mourn.  I imagine it's another kamikaze egg that imploded inside me.  Another egg that couldn't bear to be my child and just quit while it was ahead.  More proof I'm not fit to be a mother in so many ways.

This is how I Imagine my Ovaries.

Ah.  This wasn't meant to be some self-pitying rant.  Forgive me.  It's just the evil self-doubt trying to wrestle away my peace. 

In all honesty, I find it more difficult to confide in a loved one than to write this "open-for-the-whole-wide-world" blog.  I can talk to my husband about anything - he is my partner, he is my safe space.  And yet, this desire is difficult to voice.  I imagine I am worried of pressuring him into parenthood when he isn't prepared.  Or afraid that he'll tell me yet again that we are on a timeline and, "there's no reason to move that up." 

Ouch.  He's right in so many ways, but ouch. It hurts to hear that no matter how my heart aches, or my throat squeezes - it doesn't justify a change of plans.  But why do we make plans anyway?  God is the only One with a plan that actually works, that actually happens as it is designed.  Am I ready to learn what that plan holds for us? 

For all my verbosity, I can't find the words to explain this hurt.  I can describe in detail the fear of infertility.  I can delineate the advisable treatments for PCOS, and the means by which one can become pregnant.  I can cite the cost of an average domestic or international adoption.  I can rattle off the medical terms used to explain the state of my womb.  I even know if our insurance covers a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  But I don't know the name of this pain. 

I do know the name of Mercy.  I breathe in the warmth of Light.  I cry out to the Shepherd that I am lost.  And He gives me the words:

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord;

I will wait for the God of my salvation.

My God will hear me. 

Do no rejoice over me, O my enemy. 

Thought I fall I will rise;

Thought I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me." 

Micah 7:7-8

Lord, I pray that no one who reads this ever has to feel the pain of their own body betraying their heart.  If they do, Lord, I hope they will turn to You to heal.  I beg of you to take this pain from me, if it is Your will.  I have faith in Your providence; in your ability to perform miracles; in your promises made to me.  You will never leave or forsake me.  When I feel forsaken, give me the strength to tell my enemy that I will rise in the Light.  Draw me nearer to you as you perfect me, no matter how painful it is to die to myself.  Help me to live my death daily, to put Your will over my own, to honor Your purpose above my wants, to trust Your plan before drawing mine.  Embolden me to live my life without fear, but with love and mercy and grace that is as wide and long and high and deep as the love of Christ.  

Amen. 

Frosting - for Breakfast!

Hi everyone!

Thanks for stopping by and catching up, friends!  I have been feeling super busy as of late, but the good kind - where you have a good rhythm going and your to-do list is in check.  That's rare-ish for me, so it's a marvelous feeling!  I'm basking in it - and this new 40+ weather we're having in Chicago!  Today, I walked outside WITHOUT A COAT - for the first time in months!  I didn't need to protest myself from...well, the air.  :)

But I digress.  I'm here to talk about frosting!  Yes, for BREAKFAST!  You read that right.  

I just started a new diet (but really, let's call it a lifestyle because I dislike the work "diet") called the Keto diet.  Some of you might be familiar with this - for those who aren't, it's similar to South Beach, Paleo, or Atkins in a few ways.  It's a low-carb, high-fat diet that focuses on kicking your body into ketosis in high gear!  Ketosis is a natural process that your body does normally - it's basically the method by which your body burns macronutrients for energy.

Macronutrients - or "macros" - consist of carbs, proteins, and fats.  Carbs are the easiest to break down and the most likely to cause spikes in your blood sugar because of the way they convert to glucose.  The body will burn glucose first before it burns protein or fat, because carbs are...well...kind of easy.  ;)  Proteins are less likely to give it up, and fats are definitely not giving it up if carbs are at the party.  The long and short of it is this: if you don't intake carbs, your body will look to protein and fat to burn and fuel your body.  Fat burn = good!  Your liver will turn fats into fatty acids and ketones.  Fatty acids feed your brain.  Ketones become waste.  Ps - if you check out that link I just posted, you'll see that the Keto diet is used to help patients with EPILEPSY avoid seizures - seriously good for the brain!!!

I need to find a way to get lots of MCT oils into my diet - a Keto diet is usually about 5% carbs, 20-25% protein, and 70-75% fat.  I *know*, right???  The great thing about this diet is that I don't really feel like I'm depriving myself, and I am certainly not hungry.  I can't even come close to hitting my 1600 calorie-mark daily because I am so FULL!  And, as you may know, coconut oil is a fantastic commonplace source of MCT oils.  (Oh, MCT = Medium Chain Triglycerides, for the curious.)

OK - So, new diet, you get the basics.

There's a super delicious and sweet/salty treat I've found works really well for me!  It's called Keto Frosting, and it's all I eat it for breakfast.  Jealous yet?  I also get to eat bacon, eggs, cheese, steak with real butter, cheeseburgers, and so many other delicious things that you would normally give up on a "diet".  Yeah.  Now you're jealous.

Don't be jealous!  Join me!!!

Keto Frosting

3 Tbsp Coconut Oil (cold-pressed organic is best)

1 heaping Tbsp natural peanut butter (no added sugar)

1/2 to 1 full packet Stevia in the Raw (I personally use 1/2 packet)

Pinch of sea salt 

Here's how I prepare it:

Measure out coconut oil into a small glass bowl.  Microwave 12-ish seconds until soft and beginning to melt. 

Add peanut butter, Stevia, and sea salt.  Mix well.  

Cover bowl and refrigerate.  

I make this the night before - it's quick and simple, and SO TASTY!!!

Calories: 485 (again, this is *all* I eat for breakfast!) 

Carbs: 3.8 g

Proteins: 4.4 g

Fats: 52 g

Possible variations include: adding cocoa powder, using a bit of cream cheese and vanilla extract instead of peanut butter, adding almond meal and sugar-free syrup flavors, or using different nut butters.  Mix it up to find what works for you!

*Note: I do *not* make a commission from the products sold at the links - I just think it's helpful for those  to see what I actually us in my own kitchen.  I use a lot of the same products I've researched and found work well for many other Keto-lovers, so they are Keto-approved if you'd like to try! 

I started Keto after doing tons of research on diets compatible with PCOS and Metformin - since that's what I've got and that's how I'm treating it!  (Ps - thank you for all your thoughts and prayers!) I've been on it less than a whole week and I have already lost TWO POUNDS!!!  I know, right?!?!?  Fat in = fat out, baby!  I'm so excited to see the changes that is is *already* making in my health overall (not just my weight)! 

Have you ever tried Keto?  If so, I'd love to connect and learn from your experience! 

Nom nom for now,

Amanda